"Streams within the Desert"

January 22nd- "He withdrew... to a solitary place. (Matthew 14:13)
      There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music. In the melody of our life, the music is separated here and there by rests. During those rests, we foolishly believe we have come to the end of the song. God sends us times of forced leisure by allowing sickness, disappointed plans, and frustrated efforts. He brings a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives, and we lament that our voices must be silent. We grieve that our part is missing in the music that continually rises to the ear our Creator. Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwaivering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there.
     God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged by the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we will only look up, God Himself will count the time for us. With our eyes on Him, our next note will be full and clear. If we sorrowfully say to ourselves, "There is no music in a rest," let us not forget that the rest is part of the making of the music. The process is often slow and painful in this life, yet how patiently God works to teach us! And how long He waits for us to learn the lesson! John Ruskin

     Called aside--
From the glad working of your busy life,
From the world's ceaseless stir of care and strife,
Into the shade and stillness by your Heavenly Guide
For a brief time you have been called aside.


This is all from a daily devotional, "Streams in the Desert," written by L.B. Cowman. One of my nursing classmates from Washburn, gave the daily devotional to me last Friday when I went to visit friends and professors there at the University. The passage from Jan. 22nd, was the first one that I read; and boy does it just describe very accurately this Spring semester of 2012, for me. I'm sure there are definitely people reading it who aren't in the same situation, but would like to be in a different part of life who will hopefully find comfort in the above passage like I did.

It has been soo great being back in Manhattan, living with my mom, and getting to see family and friends on a weekly basis. Human Body has been so great, going to my home church of Faith E Free has been great as well; surrounded by fellowship. I know most everyone says that they are grateful for their family and friends... But I can't say it enough how wonderful it is to be blessed with such an amazing family, extended family, and my friends who I feel so blessed by! (Partly because they love me, despite how crazy&goofy I can be). For example, last night I was playing with my stethoscope, talking to myself by putting the bell of the stethoscope on my throat to listen to myself talk-- I then took it downstairs and had my mom listen to my throat as I was talking... it was just funny how it sounds.

I called Mayo the other day to see if they had made the appointments yet for the next followup MRI-- they usually mail out your appointment schedule, but I'm not very patient with these things. They said it was for April 19th. Which sort of surprised me because we've been told that the 1st followup MRI could be as soon as from 4-6 weeks after tx, 2 months, or possibly 3 months at the latest. It's just so frustrating to me & the very fact of talking with Mayo the other day and hearing that it wouldn't be until April 19th-- just stirs up tons of thoughts and emotions of hating the unknown and the "three month" period of time of wait&see. I want to know the results of radiation on the tumor, but unfortunately I can't have the answers now; there's no way to see the future. I want to know now the results in order to plan for school and work etc.

I guess I just feel hesitant/scared to commit to anything set in stone such as work/school as it still feels to me based upon what the doctors have said about this type of tumor, PXA, that we do not know how effective radiation is on this type tumor based upon how rare it is. I've been told by my oncologist, that it's possible for certain cells extending from the tumor to be resistant to radiation; therefore making radiation ineffective and another surgery neccessary. The hope is a total knock out of the tumor cells, and second best is stunting its' growth. I once asked the doctor, how would we be able to differentiate between the TKO and stunting its' growth and how soon could we know-- her response was in 50 years when you are sitting with your grandkids-- we will know that the radiation was successful. I'm sorry if this too much information, I was definitely holding off on being this open about the tumor and debating if I should even give what the doctors have told me about PXA's and radiation; but I feel like it helps explain, not justify, why I feel the way I do right now.

In the future, after we know more after the 1st & 2nd MRI's, I want to get to the point of not being dependent on receiving results to dictate what I do in life. I think that's why I appreciate the above devotional. All I can do right now is keep going with the things that I know are good for me in order that my "next note will be full and clear."

The doctor's words describing the tumor/radiation are what I get hung up on. Hopefully 'this too shall pass' especially after what they have said in the past that has been so contradictory; things that I used to be hung up on. Dr. Lachance once said that the first place the tumor could spread would be the thyroid, he then ordered an ultrasound of my neck. One was performed and it was shown to be okay and not worriesome. I then asked the endocrinologist if we should do any monitoring of my thyroid, he responded by saying that there was no chance of it spreading to my thryoid. The second instance where doctor's words have been the complete opposite actually comes from the same doctor, Dr. Yan. When we first found out about the tumor's growth in the beginning of November of last yr, she was trying to calm me down and say it would be 'okay' to wait until the end of the Fall Semester to start tx, she said that 'these are early subtle changes' in regards to the tumor. Two weeks later after she was made aware that I had withdrawn from school; she called me while I was in KS and while she was planning treatment, and asked if it was okay to treat the tumor and area surrounding the tumore more aggressively, therefore harming more normal brain tissue than previously discussed. In that phone conversation she said that the tumor was 'changing quickly.'

 It has just been so frustrating hearing these things, as this is my life and health. These examples along with others, I guess make me almost bitter; but it just proves that doctors are humans; and that God and His Word (and our Souls) are the only things that are eternal, everlasting, and always true (even though there's always going to be debate over what He means by some of the things written in the bible). Our souls, along with God's Word and the Holy Trinity of the Holy Spirit, Jesus, and the Father are the only things that are eternal! The one verse that I love is John 16:33,"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." God has 'removed our sins as far the east if from the west' (Ps 103:12), our sinful nature being the thing that would condemn us to hell, God made a way through Jesus dying on the cross paying the price for our sins, overcoming the world, in order that we may be 'made new' (2nd Cor 5:17) here on earth and be promised eternal life. And you can take that to the bank (: