Moving forward: I'm currently enrolled in Spanish classes for the Fall semester & will graduate in May 2013 from Kansas State University. I'll be starting an intercession Spanish class next week as well. I've decided to put pursuing my Nursing degree on hold for the time being & pursue my degree in Spanish at KSU as I only have 15 hours left, as well as a semester abroad in Chile under my belt practicing and speaking spanish. I've loaded my iPod up with Funky & Juanes -- 2 of my favorite Spanish musicians. Wooo! I hope this will help warm up my ears to quick spanish speakers. I've applied for 2 CNA positions at the hospital in Manhattan.
Joys: Living with my mom has been wonderful, she is a very hard worker. Working 7 days a week, almost every week. She is a big encouragement to me everyday! Not only is it great living with my mom in Manhattan, but Manhappenin' also offers me some of my closest friends. I'm realizing that my tumor, b/c it's in my brain doesn't cause me any pain (which this allows me to live life outside of the house, outside of pain meds) - whereas one of my friends from the Hope Lodge has experienced the worst pain from her metastatic cancer. She got a spinal block today - she's been in pain for 6 months and hasn't been able to get out of the house. She went to the Cancer Treatment Center of America down in Tx - and has been given new hope. Pray for Darlene. She's only 29. She'll have a surgery on May 31st.
MRI results from April 20: I'm going to share with you what I've recently received in the mail from Mayo Clinic as my Doctor's sent me their clinical documents & impressions. I hope it will give more context as to what I'll share later in this blog post.
"IMPRESSION/REPORT/PLAN (Dr. Lachance - Neurologist)
Updated MRI scan was reviewed and compared to previous studies. There is clearly some progression of enhancement in the region previously noted to be enhancing. There may be a slight increase in T2 signal abnormality in this region as well. At the periphery of the lesion, the area of T2 signal abnormality is unchanged, and there is no new mass. It is noteworthy that this current scan is being compared to her October 31 pre-radiation baseline.
Impression: While it is disappointing that there has been further change in the MRI scan and while it has been three months since the completion of radiotherapy, I hesitate to call the findings on this current scan a progression despite radiotherapy. I prefer to use this current scan as her baseline for further comparison to determine the benefits or potential lack thereof of radiotherapy.
Should future scans demonstrate progression, our plan would be to consider a more aggressive surgical resection as opposed to any attempted chemotherapy. I will prearrange for her to see Dr. Marsh (Neurosurgeon) and Dr. Yan (Radiation Oncologist) after her next MRI scan (in July).
The following is what Dr. Yan wrote in her Impression:
I reviewed yesterday's MRI scan with Ms Mooney and her family. Unfortunately, the T2 weighted changes are somewhat concerning for persistent, possibly progressive disease. The region in question would have received a minimum of 5400 cGy during her recent treatment. Additional radiation is not indicated right now. She will meet with Dr. Lachance later today to discuss her options at this time."
My thoughts: None of this was too shocking to me, but it just makes me think that a surgery sometime with in the next 2 years is inevitable. The big question that I hope will be answered is just knowing the effectiveness of radiotherapy (radiation) on the tumor, especially after Dr. Yan has told me in the past that this type of tumor, PXA- with secondary infiltrative component WHO II, can be resistant to radiation therefore making radiation ineffective as a treatment. She's also said that increasing the dose of radiation is not helpful in stopping the tumor. All of this just gives me a gut feeling that the surgery could be needed as early as this July. This is something that I have mixed feelings about - yes I want it out or what they are able to ressect, but the risks of the surgery will be higher. I came out just fine after the first, but the fact that this tumor is "encasing a large portion of the middle cerebral artery" -according to Dr. Marsh in his impression... I would just pray that I could be fortunate enough for no noticable physical or mental changes r/t an aggressive ressection. With all of that said, I am trying hard to not let this 'interrupt' life and drive me nuts as I want to get on with life so badly and be the 'go getter'. I'm very grateful that I can fall back on Spanish and do so in Manhattan.
What is God doing? What is His plan? Will He perform a miracle and take this tumor away? Why should I pray? Is God letting this happen or is this just part of the natural suffering that happens in life? These are all questions that have been coming up, back and forth this year. Don't get me wrong, I believe our God is a good God & I know He knows everything & has all power & loves us beyond our understanding. God has blessed us with His son, Jesus, stripping away our sins by dying on the cross and therefore reconciling us to Himself, the Father. I don't how God is working in my life in regards to this tumor. Does he give people cancer or does it just happen? I think it could be possible that cancer is not God's plan; but that it is possible for anyone to experience cancer along with anything else as we are in this sinful world of free will. God created Adam & Eve, and what happened? They sinned. Maybe it is sin that opens up the door for anything to happen to anyone. Maybe it's not God's plan for people to be hurt by sin. But it is inevitable for people to be hurt as there are people who kill, who abuse, who rape, who torture others - all for what? I do not think it is in God's plan for such things to happen to anyone. But why do they happen? Because of out of control people who don't have self control and aren't grounded and overtaken by sin. Why does cancer happen? Why do earthquakes happen? Is it just that this world and our bodies are out of control and sh*t happens? I truly believe that our Father has created each and everyone of us with amazing and different talents/gifts. I believe that it is His plan that we abide by His word and allow the Holy Spirit guide us. I just don't know how detailed God's plans get when it comes to everyday life and our health. I just know that in the big picture, His plans are for people to be reconciled back to Him and to eachother forgiving one another as they have been forgiven. "So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation... We implore to you on Christ behalf: Be reconciled to God." 2nd Cor 5:16-20
To tackle the question of Why pray? With the help of the kindness of a couple from my church, Lowell (the author) & Robynn Bliss - I've seen that we should pray in the face of our life and our daily suffering because that is what Jesus did. Lowell wrote a book, Gethsemane: Lessons on Suffering from Christ in the Garden. They hand bound this book, prayed for me during that long process, and gave it to me earlier this year at church. (I think that this is just an example of the many ways that God's plan can manifest itself in real life: people using what they are good at to truly encourage others to grow closer to the Lord). This book gives much reference to what Jesus went through in his prayer to His Father before he was arrested the night before he was crucified. " 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.' An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." Luke 22: 42-44. It was obviously the will of God was for His son to die, in order to remove our sins and give those who accept this amazing will of God for what He wants to give us: eternal life, that starts here on earth once we admit we are innately sinful and need a Savior. So just as Jesus suffered and God's will came of it, I definitely think that human suffering in stinky circumstances can offer the chance for God's will to be done. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3. How are you suffering right now? How could God turn it around?
So now that I've 'talked the talk', pray that I would 'walk the walk' and carry out the Lord's will: Growing closer to Him, using my mind to absorb Spanish to become an interpreter, and to be more open with others in showing them God's love. That my faith would grow & worry would subside. For my parents, Dave & Beth, as this is so hard for them hearing and reading what the doctor's have said & the things that I say in honesty to them. Pray that my mother would be relieved of the stress that is hanging over her head as things are rough for her in general in her life. & for this tumor to go away!
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